Welcome to Joeland news, the blog of Joeland updates that may or may not be hilarious. This information is all "true," says one of the Joeland government employees. The oldest posts are at the bottom, and the new news is at the top for your enjoyment. We hope you enjoy it!
P.S. If you are confused by the dates, look at our Joeland calendar.
P.S. If you are confused by the dates, look at our Joeland calendar.
Sasquatch Named Darryl Reveals Shocking Information
December 52, 2020
Today a local Sasquatch named Darryl revealed shocking information. "A single strand of spaghetti is called a spaghetto" he stated with valiance! He then proceeded to scurry into the forest. He caused quite the commotion. "Thank you Darryl, this has changed my life" said a crying citizen.
December 52, 2020
Today a local Sasquatch named Darryl revealed shocking information. "A single strand of spaghetti is called a spaghetto" he stated with valiance! He then proceeded to scurry into the forest. He caused quite the commotion. "Thank you Darryl, this has changed my life" said a crying citizen.
Big Party Today
December 47, 2020
Don’t forget Pine Cone Appreciation Day today! Joeland Labs is hosting a pine cone convention today at 2 PM, so be sure to show up! "If we didn’t have pine cones, we wouldn’t have trees and we wouldn’t have air or toilet paper. Appreciate those pine cones!" said one of the main speakers in an earlier interview.
December 47, 2020
Don’t forget Pine Cone Appreciation Day today! Joeland Labs is hosting a pine cone convention today at 2 PM, so be sure to show up! "If we didn’t have pine cones, we wouldn’t have trees and we wouldn’t have air or toilet paper. Appreciate those pine cones!" said one of the main speakers in an earlier interview.
Grandma Accident at School
December 39, 2020
Today, an elementary aged boy brought his grandma to school, and she somehow got run over by a reindeer. She was okay, but she didn't remember it very well, and there were no witnesses.
December 39, 2020
Today, an elementary aged boy brought his grandma to school, and she somehow got run over by a reindeer. She was okay, but she didn't remember it very well, and there were no witnesses.
AI Robot Found in Desert
December 30, 2020
An Artificial Intelligence Robot was recently found in the Joeland desert. It is not yet determined how he got there or why. Joeland officials are being very secretive on what they know about it. The AI says that his name is Hardly Human and that he likes cotton candy.
December 30, 2020
An Artificial Intelligence Robot was recently found in the Joeland desert. It is not yet determined how he got there or why. Joeland officials are being very secretive on what they know about it. The AI says that his name is Hardly Human and that he likes cotton candy.
Llama Yoga Now Offered in the City Park
December 14, 2020
You can now do yoga on the back of a llama, or beside a llama. "It has been proven that the spit from the llama has healing powers while doing yoga. It can cure everything from procrastination to near-death experiences!" claimed an anonymous citizen near the llamas. Come find out for yourself!
December 14, 2020
You can now do yoga on the back of a llama, or beside a llama. "It has been proven that the spit from the llama has healing powers while doing yoga. It can cure everything from procrastination to near-death experiences!" claimed an anonymous citizen near the llamas. Come find out for yourself!
Turn Your Clocks Back an Hour this Monday
December 2, 2020
Monday is Daylight Shaving Time, so be sure to turn your clocks back at midnight while you pull out your razor for Shaving Appreciation Day.
December 2, 2020
Monday is Daylight Shaving Time, so be sure to turn your clocks back at midnight while you pull out your razor for Shaving Appreciation Day.
Knight at the Museum
November 130, 2020
Joeland's history museum set up a brand new attraction today: a suit of armor. This set from a Medieval knight was very interesting because it had Domino's pizza coupons taped all over it when it was found. Joeland's scientists hypothesize that the coupons were added far after the knight's death, but they are not sure.
November 130, 2020
Joeland's history museum set up a brand new attraction today: a suit of armor. This set from a Medieval knight was very interesting because it had Domino's pizza coupons taped all over it when it was found. Joeland's scientists hypothesize that the coupons were added far after the knight's death, but they are not sure.
Highlighters Disappear After Highlighter Rally in Wisconsin
November 126, 2020
Following the National Highlighter Rally in Oconomowoc, Wisconsin, 50,001 highlighters went missing. The discovery first occurred minutes after the rally, when they went to hand out the free highlighters to all attendees and they were nowhere to be found. All pink, green, blue and yellow writing utensils are gone. Contact General Conjulio if you have information on their whereabouts.
November 126, 2020
Following the National Highlighter Rally in Oconomowoc, Wisconsin, 50,001 highlighters went missing. The discovery first occurred minutes after the rally, when they went to hand out the free highlighters to all attendees and they were nowhere to be found. All pink, green, blue and yellow writing utensils are gone. Contact General Conjulio if you have information on their whereabouts.
Joeland Sues the Sun and UV Rays
November 121, 2020
A giant wax figure of our famous National Mascot, Bean the Lizard, was destroyed by the sun last week. A small child noticed his nose running, then he just had the runs all over. Poor guy. The government wants to sue the sun, be they're still working out the details of how the court case would work.
November 121, 2020
A giant wax figure of our famous National Mascot, Bean the Lizard, was destroyed by the sun last week. A small child noticed his nose running, then he just had the runs all over. Poor guy. The government wants to sue the sun, be they're still working out the details of how the court case would work.
Middle Aged Dog Sells Pumpkins on Ebay
November 118, 2020
With Thanksgiving and Halloween just around the corner, Farmer George’s dog, Cooper, decided that he needed to raise money for a new, double-decker farmhouse. He snuck some pumpkins from the farmer’s garden and when the farmer was taking a nap, Cooper listed the pumpkins on Ebay. Unfortunately, Ebay does not allow fruit to be sold on their platform.
November 118, 2020
With Thanksgiving and Halloween just around the corner, Farmer George’s dog, Cooper, decided that he needed to raise money for a new, double-decker farmhouse. He snuck some pumpkins from the farmer’s garden and when the farmer was taking a nap, Cooper listed the pumpkins on Ebay. Unfortunately, Ebay does not allow fruit to be sold on their platform.
Chair Aliens Migrate South
November 117, 2020
Today, everyone watched as a flock of chair aliens flew south. We watched them fly until they landed on their home planet in the nearest solar system to ours. Chuck Norris's pet chair alien decided to stay with us since its house has a big heater next to its bed.
November 117, 2020
Today, everyone watched as a flock of chair aliens flew south. We watched them fly until they landed on their home planet in the nearest solar system to ours. Chuck Norris's pet chair alien decided to stay with us since its house has a big heater next to its bed.
Ferdinand Magellan Discovers Toasters
November 109, 2020
Finally, Ferdinand Magellan was cleared from the hospital again after tripping on a door handle. Someone gave him a toaster as a present, and we watched him as he turned it around and looked at it for a while. Later, he walked by the news building with very black hands.
November 109, 2020
Finally, Ferdinand Magellan was cleared from the hospital again after tripping on a door handle. Someone gave him a toaster as a present, and we watched him as he turned it around and looked at it for a while. Later, he walked by the news building with very black hands.
Big Man Wins Lawsuit
November 103, 2020
After the extensive court case about Big Man's refrigerator, the jury declared Big Man the winner of the competition. The Joeland Government had to clear him of all criminal charges and refund him $1000. This was a big blow to our country.
November 103, 2020
After the extensive court case about Big Man's refrigerator, the jury declared Big Man the winner of the competition. The Joeland Government had to clear him of all criminal charges and refund him $1000. This was a big blow to our country.
Big Man Sues Government
November 95, 2020
After last week's refrigerators were distributed, Big Man acquired one. Unfortunately, his refrigerator malfunctioned, so he sued the Joeland Government. This is Joeland's biggest case in months. "I hope we win," said the lawyer defending our government.
November 95, 2020
After last week's refrigerators were distributed, Big Man acquired one. Unfortunately, his refrigerator malfunctioned, so he sued the Joeland Government. This is Joeland's biggest case in months. "I hope we win," said the lawyer defending our government.
Refrigerators For Everyone!
November 89, 2020
A giant barge from China was passing Joeland recently when it spontaneously combusted. It was filled with refrigerators, and they all washed up onto Joeland's south shore. We divided the refrigerators equally among the people, so everyone now has ten of them.
November 89, 2020
A giant barge from China was passing Joeland recently when it spontaneously combusted. It was filled with refrigerators, and they all washed up onto Joeland's south shore. We divided the refrigerators equally among the people, so everyone now has ten of them.
US Senator Sent Home
November 83, 2020
When the US Senator staying in Joeland was sleeping several nights ago, some of the people in town wanted to surprise him by sending him home overnight. They tied him to a log and shoved it out into the ocean toward the United States. We still haven't received confirmation that he arrived back home.
November 83, 2020
When the US Senator staying in Joeland was sleeping several nights ago, some of the people in town wanted to surprise him by sending him home overnight. They tied him to a log and shoved it out into the ocean toward the United States. We still haven't received confirmation that he arrived back home.
People of Chile March to War
November 72, 2020
After our duck army led by Conjulio conquered Chile, they decided to come back at us. They snuck up on our duck pond yesterday and ambushed the ducks with Doritos. The ducks and Conjulio all chased the Doritos while the people of Chile retook their cities.
November 72, 2020
After our duck army led by Conjulio conquered Chile, they decided to come back at us. They snuck up on our duck pond yesterday and ambushed the ducks with Doritos. The ducks and Conjulio all chased the Doritos while the people of Chile retook their cities.
US Senator Washes Up on Joeland Beach
November 60, 2020
Apparently, a United States Senator tripped and fell into the water yesterday. He was able to hold onto a log until a current swiftly brought him to Joeland this morning. Nobody here had ever heard of him, so we don't remember his name.
November 60, 2020
Apparently, a United States Senator tripped and fell into the water yesterday. He was able to hold onto a log until a current swiftly brought him to Joeland this morning. Nobody here had ever heard of him, so we don't remember his name.
Election Day Gives Anticlimactic Results
November 56, 2020
Election Day occurred today for all elected offices. Nobody new dared to run for any position, so all the last leaders were elected. "Nobody else dared to be near me when they work," claimed president Chuck Norris.
November 56, 2020
Election Day occurred today for all elected offices. Nobody new dared to run for any position, so all the last leaders were elected. "Nobody else dared to be near me when they work," claimed president Chuck Norris.
Bryce's Unbirthday Celebrated
November 47, 2020
Today, we looked at the calendar and realized that today was not Bryce's birthday! The whole council gathered together with a cake to celebrate Bryce's unbirthday today. We also listened to 80's rock music and played party games.
November 47, 2020
Today, we looked at the calendar and realized that today was not Bryce's birthday! The whole council gathered together with a cake to celebrate Bryce's unbirthday today. We also listened to 80's rock music and played party games.
Albuquerque Sues Government For Over Their Name
November 33, 2020
The leaders of Albuquerque, New Mexico decided to sue the US government because they didn't like how hard it was to spell "Albuquerque" (We had to use spell check to write this article). The people there either want some government money or to change their name.
November 33, 2020
The leaders of Albuquerque, New Mexico decided to sue the US government because they didn't like how hard it was to spell "Albuquerque" (We had to use spell check to write this article). The people there either want some government money or to change their name.
Conjulio and Duck Army Conquer Chile
November 30, 2020
Yesterday, Conjulio traveled with Kaleb and their duck army into South America. When they waddled into Chile, all the people got scared and ran away, so Kaleb planted a Joeland flag in the ground.
November 30, 2020
Yesterday, Conjulio traveled with Kaleb and their duck army into South America. When they waddled into Chile, all the people got scared and ran away, so Kaleb planted a Joeland flag in the ground.
Florida Man Runs Around the Green House
November 26, 2020
A man from Florida came to Joeland today as a tourist. When he got here, he ran a few dozen laps around the Greenhouse, and then he randomly left. He may have been scared considering our history with Florida.
November 26, 2020
A man from Florida came to Joeland today as a tourist. When he got here, he ran a few dozen laps around the Greenhouse, and then he randomly left. He may have been scared considering our history with Florida.
Chuck Norris Eats Potato
November 22, 2020
Everyone was bored this weekend, so Chuck Norris hosted a potato convention. Everyone ate potatoes for a while. Then we had a potato fight, and then Chuck Norris went onstage and ate a potato in front of everyone. "It was awesome!" said a bystander.
November 22, 2020
Everyone was bored this weekend, so Chuck Norris hosted a potato convention. Everyone ate potatoes for a while. Then we had a potato fight, and then Chuck Norris went onstage and ate a potato in front of everyone. "It was awesome!" said a bystander.
East Timor Hires Full-Time Sloucher
November 21, 2020
East Timor's government recently had an excess of money, so they voted to open a new government position. With the help of Sid the Squid, they hired a man to slouch full-time.
November 21, 2020
East Timor's government recently had an excess of money, so they voted to open a new government position. With the help of Sid the Squid, they hired a man to slouch full-time.
Court Ruling Legalizes Oxygen
November 19, 2020
It has always been assumed that oxygen is legal in Joeland, but a lawyer challenged this idea last week. He brought a very convincing case, and it took him five days to finish talking. However, the government appointed lawyer for the defendants' side simply said, "We need air to breathe," and won the case. The plaintiff later stated, "I forgot that we breathe oxygen."
November 19, 2020
It has always been assumed that oxygen is legal in Joeland, but a lawyer challenged this idea last week. He brought a very convincing case, and it took him five days to finish talking. However, the government appointed lawyer for the defendants' side simply said, "We need air to breathe," and won the case. The plaintiff later stated, "I forgot that we breathe oxygen."
Coke Man Strikes Again
November 16, 2020
Today, Big Man was in a mad mood and decided to run into Joeland and start breaking things. While he was "running" toward our city, many banana peels fell out of the sky to deter Big Man. He eventually gave up and ran back into the forest. The only clue to this mystery was a coke can that also fell from the sky.
November 16, 2020
Today, Big Man was in a mad mood and decided to run into Joeland and start breaking things. While he was "running" toward our city, many banana peels fell out of the sky to deter Big Man. He eventually gave up and ran back into the forest. The only clue to this mystery was a coke can that also fell from the sky.
Rich Dude Opens Museum
November 14, 2020
A Rich Dude moved to Joeland a few months ago and started building a museum. Today was opening day, and our Joeland news team explored the place. They found 14 toilets, the Freducator's lunch box, Big Man's chair, the car that Ferdinand Magellan discovered, and the original manuscripts of Joeland Labs' first lab report. Everybody that went today got nostalgic and started crying.
November 14, 2020
A Rich Dude moved to Joeland a few months ago and started building a museum. Today was opening day, and our Joeland news team explored the place. They found 14 toilets, the Freducator's lunch box, Big Man's chair, the car that Ferdinand Magellan discovered, and the original manuscripts of Joeland Labs' first lab report. Everybody that went today got nostalgic and started crying.
Scientists Find the Answer
November 13, 2020
Since Joeland Labs has made two incredible discoveries recently, they have been working hard to find the answer. At 2:13 PM today, one scientist yelled out, "I got it!" as he waved around a piece of paper. His equations had led him to the answer "42".
November 13, 2020
Since Joeland Labs has made two incredible discoveries recently, they have been working hard to find the answer. At 2:13 PM today, one scientist yelled out, "I got it!" as he waved around a piece of paper. His equations had led him to the answer "
Citizen Wins Lottery
November 10, 2020
In today's lottery drawing, a local Joeland citizen won a lifetime supply of bananas. "Yay!" said the winner when we interviewed him. He will receive thirty bananas a week for the rest of his life.
November 10, 2020
In today's lottery drawing, a local Joeland citizen won a lifetime supply of bananas. "Yay!" said the winner when we interviewed him. He will receive thirty bananas a week for the rest of his life.
Chuck Norris Gets Chair Alien as Pet
November 6, 2020
This afternoon, a chair alien was spotted flying south for the summer. It landed in Joeland near Chuck's house, so he decided to put a collar on it and keep it as a pet. Joeland Scientists believe it could be very useful for transportation.
November 6, 2020
This afternoon, a chair alien was spotted flying south for the summer. It landed in Joeland near Chuck's house, so he decided to put a collar on it and keep it as a pet. Joeland Scientists believe it could be very useful for transportation.
Joeland Labs Creates Powerful Computer
November 4, 2020
Joeland Labs recently found a big pile of cash hidden under a rock. They decided to use the money to build a super powerful computer. This computer has an Intel i73 processor, making it the most powerful computer in the world. They are mostly using it to strategize for the duck army. Unfortunately, it uses so much energy that it has to have a lunch break every day.
November 4, 2020
Joeland Labs recently found a big pile of cash hidden under a rock. They decided to use the money to build a super powerful computer. This computer has an Intel i73 processor, making it the most powerful computer in the world. They are mostly using it to strategize for the duck army. Unfortunately, it uses so much energy that it has to have a lunch break every day.
Flumper Day Celebrations Begin
Flumpersnatchel 12, 2020
Happy Flumper Day everyone! Many citizens celebrated this amazing holiday today with desserts, bananas, and break dancing. Even Big Man was spotted in the forest eating a celebration feast. "This is my favorite holiday ever!" said Bryce, the Chief Judge of Joeland.
Flumpersnatchel 12, 2020
Happy Flumper Day everyone! Many citizens celebrated this amazing holiday today with desserts, bananas, and break dancing. Even Big Man was spotted in the forest eating a celebration feast. "This is my favorite holiday ever!" said Bryce, the Chief Judge of Joeland.
Joeland Scientists Continually Baffled
Flumpersnatchel 10, 2020
After the discovery that 1 + 1 did not equal 2 in part of the year 1689, scientists also discovered that the number 3 didn't even exist before the year 2341 BC. "This means that if I had three bananas in 2342 BC, then it wouldn't be possible, and either one banana would disappear, or another banana would appear. It makes no sense!" said one researcher.
Flumpersnatchel 10, 2020
After the discovery that 1 + 1 did not equal 2 in part of the year 1689, scientists also discovered that the number 3 didn't even exist before the year 2341 BC. "This means that if I had three bananas in 2342 BC, then it wouldn't be possible, and either one banana would disappear, or another banana would appear. It makes no sense!" said one researcher.
Citizens Prepare for Flumper Day
Flumpersnatchel 6, 2020
Today, many citizens started getting ready for Flumper Day. "I can't wait for it to start. This is my favorite holiday!" said one happy citizen. Many people in happy moods started giving out lots of bananas to celebrate.
Flumpersnatchel 6, 2020
Today, many citizens started getting ready for Flumper Day. "I can't wait for it to start. This is my favorite holiday!" said one happy citizen. Many people in happy moods started giving out lots of bananas to celebrate.
Joeland Scientists Find Cure for Covid-19
Flumpersnatchel 2, 2020
This afternoon, a scientist for Joeland Labs ran out the front door yelling, "Yay!" really loudly. It turns out that they had realized that pickled rhubarb plants will instantly cure Covid-19. "Unfortunately, it only works in Joeland because we have a very specific climate," said one scientist. We expect many tourists from around the world to pour into Joeland soon to get a cure.
Flumpersnatchel 2, 2020
This afternoon, a scientist for Joeland Labs ran out the front door yelling, "Yay!" really loudly. It turns out that they had realized that pickled rhubarb plants will instantly cure Covid-19. "Unfortunately, it only works in Joeland because we have a very specific climate," said one scientist. We expect many tourists from around the world to pour into Joeland soon to get a cure.
Disco Party Breaks Out
Awegist 9, 2020
At 3:27 PM today, several random citizens were walking past the shack of representatives. Suddenly, a disco ball and some lights popped out of thin air, and everyone nearby involuntarily started doing their best disco moves. One of the lead dancers told us, "I couldn't control my body; it just started doing the disco." Joeland Labs will research this strange occurrence and get to the bottom of it.
Awegist 9, 2020
At 3:27 PM today, several random citizens were walking past the shack of representatives. Suddenly, a disco ball and some lights popped out of thin air, and everyone nearby involuntarily started doing their best disco moves. One of the lead dancers told us, "I couldn't control my body; it just started doing the disco." Joeland Labs will research this strange occurrence and get to the bottom of it.
Scientists Make Startling Discovery
Awegist 8, 2020
Joeland Labs was very busy this last week studying the year 1689. After all their research was compiled, they found out that for a few hours during this year, 1+ 1 did not equal 2! "We don't know how this happened, or even how we discovered it," said a Joeland Labs Scientist. "All of us in the lab just suddenly knew it at the same time."
Awegist 8, 2020
Joeland Labs was very busy this last week studying the year 1689. After all their research was compiled, they found out that for a few hours during this year, 1+ 1 did not equal 2! "We don't know how this happened, or even how we discovered it," said a Joeland Labs Scientist. "All of us in the lab just suddenly knew it at the same time."
Big Man Spotted Leaving Public Outhouse
Awegist 4, 2020
Big Man was spotted today leaving a public outhouse in downtown Joeland. Witnesses claimed that the outhouse had a small door, so it took Big Man a few minutes to get through the door frame. "I hope he doesn't use my outhouse," said a local business owner.
Awegist 4, 2020
Big Man was spotted today leaving a public outhouse in downtown Joeland. Witnesses claimed that the outhouse had a small door, so it took Big Man a few minutes to get through the door frame. "I hope he doesn't use my outhouse," said a local business owner.
The Freducator Completes Super Mario RPG
Awegist 2, 2020
During our virus quarantine in Joeland, the Freducator got bored and started playing Super Mario RPG. He completed the game recently and set a Joeland national record for the fastest (and only) known completion of the game.
Awegist 2, 2020
During our virus quarantine in Joeland, the Freducator got bored and started playing Super Mario RPG. He completed the game recently and set a Joeland national record for the fastest (and only) known completion of the game.
The Film "Sonic the Hedgehog" Is Officially Movie of the Year
October 16, 2020
The Freducator did a press conference detailing his undying love for "Sonic the Hedgehog." He got up on a podium and began his rousing speech.
"On February 14th (around January 45th in Joeland), a masterpiece was unveiled to the public. What was this cinematic masterpiece? It was the Sonic movie which I am dubbing movie of the year. It is an expertly executed plot and is frankly hilarious. A 10/10 on my end, but don't just take my word for it!" At that, Kevin, Dylan, Kaleb, Savannah, Ben, Bryce, Caleb, and Eternity went up to the podium.
"I speak for all of us when I say that the Sonic movie is the best film of 2020. Our enjoyment of this film is, like the pasta bowl at Olive Garden, never-ending. Now we will all leave as fast as a hedgehog!" the Freducator exclaimed. They all did a thumbs up and ran away, in their own words, as fast as a hedgehog.
October 16, 2020
The Freducator did a press conference detailing his undying love for "Sonic the Hedgehog." He got up on a podium and began his rousing speech.
"On February 14th (around January 45th in Joeland), a masterpiece was unveiled to the public. What was this cinematic masterpiece? It was the Sonic movie which I am dubbing movie of the year. It is an expertly executed plot and is frankly hilarious. A 10/10 on my end, but don't just take my word for it!" At that, Kevin, Dylan, Kaleb, Savannah, Ben, Bryce, Caleb, and Eternity went up to the podium.
"I speak for all of us when I say that the Sonic movie is the best film of 2020. Our enjoyment of this film is, like the pasta bowl at Olive Garden, never-ending. Now we will all leave as fast as a hedgehog!" the Freducator exclaimed. They all did a thumbs up and ran away, in their own words, as fast as a hedgehog.
Pretzel Security Increases Following Robbery
October 16, 2020
A chocolate pretzel shop increased its security from one janitor to twenty-two armed mercenaries following Big Man's cheese pretzel robbery. "Ain't nobody gettin' in there now!" said the owner of the shop. "I'd like to see Big Man eat one of ma chocolate pretzels now." The janitor had this to say on the armed guards, "I walked in the back door like I normally do and they shot me with their tranquilizer bullets. I just woke up five minutes ago in the back closet on my cleaning cart!" When pressed about this issue, the mercenaries simply gave us menacing looks.
October 16, 2020
A chocolate pretzel shop increased its security from one janitor to twenty-two armed mercenaries following Big Man's cheese pretzel robbery. "Ain't nobody gettin' in there now!" said the owner of the shop. "I'd like to see Big Man eat one of ma chocolate pretzels now." The janitor had this to say on the armed guards, "I walked in the back door like I normally do and they shot me with their tranquilizer bullets. I just woke up five minutes ago in the back closet on my cleaning cart!" When pressed about this issue, the mercenaries simply gave us menacing looks.
The Mysterious Wind
October 15, 2020
To top the day off, a mysterious wind was blowing inside the Green House. "I don't know how this is happening," said Kevin. "Happy birthday, Kevin!" all the officials of Joeland yelled immediately afterward. They were disguised as the wall! Sid was hanging from the ceiling with a fan. He gave the reporter a thumbs up and then left the premise.
October 15, 2020
To top the day off, a mysterious wind was blowing inside the Green House. "I don't know how this is happening," said Kevin. "Happy birthday, Kevin!" all the officials of Joeland yelled immediately afterward. They were disguised as the wall! Sid was hanging from the ceiling with a fan. He gave the reporter a thumbs up and then left the premise.
Big Man Steals Cheese Pretzels
October 15, 2020
Just today, Big Man came out of hiding to steal some cheese pretzels. In fact, he succeeded. He robbed them and ate them on the spot. Thankfully, Coke Man threw an explosive Coke can to stop him from getting any more. Big Man quickly ran away to the forest from whence he came. Nobody saw Coke Man, but he left a can of Coke to show that he was there...
October 15, 2020
Just today, Big Man came out of hiding to steal some cheese pretzels. In fact, he succeeded. He robbed them and ate them on the spot. Thankfully, Coke Man threw an explosive Coke can to stop him from getting any more. Big Man quickly ran away to the forest from whence he came. Nobody saw Coke Man, but he left a can of Coke to show that he was there...
Conjulio and Kaleb Make Sandwich
October 15, 2020
Our anonymous source shared with us that Conjulio and Kaleb recently went out into the forests of Joeland to make a rock sandwich. Allegedly, they brought recording equipment with them, but they lost all of it due to an incident with a small rock. Even though we have no proof, we have complete confidence in our source. Trust us!
October 15, 2020
Our anonymous source shared with us that Conjulio and Kaleb recently went out into the forests of Joeland to make a rock sandwich. Allegedly, they brought recording equipment with them, but they lost all of it due to an incident with a small rock. Even though we have no proof, we have complete confidence in our source. Trust us!
Chuck Norris Get His Own Email
October 7, 2020
Although this happened a few weeks ago, we couldn't interrupt our Star Wars parody articles, so we waited to share this news. After our "Ask Chuck" page opened up months ago, Chuck started using the Joeland News email account to post things. However, he finally got his own account a few weeks ago. "Yay!" said anonymous citizen #17 when we irrelevantly asked him about cheese fries.
October 7, 2020
Although this happened a few weeks ago, we couldn't interrupt our Star Wars parody articles, so we waited to share this news. After our "Ask Chuck" page opened up months ago, Chuck started using the Joeland News email account to post things. However, he finally got his own account a few weeks ago. "Yay!" said anonymous citizen #17 when we irrelevantly asked him about cheese fries.
Joeland News Team Celebrates
October 4, 2020
The Joeland News Team celebrated today because they were done with all of the Star Wars parody articles. To celebrate, they made a timeline of Joeland's history. You can view it here.
October 4, 2020
The Joeland News Team celebrated today because they were done with all of the Star Wars parody articles. To celebrate, they made a timeline of Joeland's history. You can view it here.
The Rise of High Water
October 3, 2020
We at Joeland News were bored today, and we wanted to finish up our Star Wars parody series, so Joeland News reporter #6 filled up a glass with water and called it "The Rise of High Water".
October 3, 2020
We at Joeland News were bored today, and we wanted to finish up our Star Wars parody series, so Joeland News reporter #6 filled up a glass with water and called it "The Rise of High Water".
The Last Bad Guy
October -1, 2020
President Chuck Norris and Joeland citizen Brody W recently discovered that ferrets love bananas. They tried to feed Big Man's ferret army with bananas, and the ferrets all instantly deserted Big Man. Even the locksmith left Big Man to eat some bananas. Now Big Man is the only known villain in Joeland.
October -1, 2020
President Chuck Norris and Joeland citizen Brody W recently discovered that ferrets love bananas. They tried to feed Big Man's ferret army with bananas, and the ferrets all instantly deserted Big Man. Even the locksmith left Big Man to eat some bananas. Now Big Man is the only known villain in Joeland.
The Course Awakens
April 11, 2020
Along with all the other Joeland businesses that have started up, our most popular sport was reinstated when Joeland local golf course opened up again. "I love playing golf!" said a random citizen. The only sport in Joeland that comes close to golf in popularity is curling.
April 11, 2020
Along with all the other Joeland businesses that have started up, our most popular sport was reinstated when Joeland local golf course opened up again. "I love playing golf!" said a random citizen. The only sport in Joeland that comes close to golf in popularity is curling.
Return of the French Fry
April 5, 2020
After MLB starting up again, many other places around town have started business again as usual. A new restaurant even popped up here, Joe's French Fry shop. They only sell medium salted fries. Surprisingly, nobody else has caught the dangerous virus yet.
April 5, 2020
After MLB starting up again, many other places around town have started business again as usual. A new restaurant even popped up here, Joe's French Fry shop. They only sell medium salted fries. Surprisingly, nobody else has caught the dangerous virus yet.
The Umpire Strikes Back
April 2, 2020
Although Joeland's MLB (Medium League Baseball) was forced to shut down recently due to the virus outbreak in Joeland, anonymous umpire #7 really wanted baseball to start up again, so he gave an encouraging speech today. "Hey, you wimps! Get back on the field! Are you too scared of this little disease to play ball? Get out there, wimps!" He said to the players and fans. This afternoon, Joeland's MLB entirely started up again in spite of dangerously large crowds attending.
April 2, 2020
Although Joeland's MLB (Medium League Baseball) was forced to shut down recently due to the virus outbreak in Joeland, anonymous umpire #7 really wanted baseball to start up again, so he gave an encouraging speech today. "Hey, you wimps! Get back on the field! Are you too scared of this little disease to play ball? Get out there, wimps!" He said to the players and fans. This afternoon, Joeland's MLB entirely started up again in spite of dangerously large crowds attending.
A New Soap
March 12, 2020
Everyone has been going crazy around here with the a new virus outbreak in Joeland. People ran around in circles while flailing their arms for hours this morning. Also, toilet paper companies have been selling out, trying to wipe away this problem, while Joeland's MLB (Medium League Baseball) was forced to shut down. Fortunately, a brilliant scientist from Joeland Labs remembered the existence of soap, and he gave it to everybody. Now everyone is very not scared.
March 12, 2020
Everyone has been going crazy around here with the a new virus outbreak in Joeland. People ran around in circles while flailing their arms for hours this morning. Also, toilet paper companies have been selling out, trying to wipe away this problem, while Joeland's MLB (Medium League Baseball) was forced to shut down. Fortunately, a brilliant scientist from Joeland Labs remembered the existence of soap, and he gave it to everybody. Now everyone is very not scared.
Revenge of the Smith
March 8, 2020
After Big Man's scary, yet impressive entry and exit yesterday, the local locksmith (whose name happens to be Smith) got mad at the government of Joeland for not protecting us. He decided to join Big Man in his evil plots, so Smith ran into the forest. Joeland officials are starting to worry that Big Man's plots are getting out of control.
March 8, 2020
After Big Man's scary, yet impressive entry and exit yesterday, the local locksmith (whose name happens to be Smith) got mad at the government of Joeland for not protecting us. He decided to join Big Man in his evil plots, so Smith ran into the forest. Joeland officials are starting to worry that Big Man's plots are getting out of control.
Attack of the Jones
March 7, 2020
Terror struck Joeland today when Big Man slowly walked into Joeland with an toilet paper gun. He chased everyone into a corner using his weapon as a threat. When everyone was cowering before him, Big Man spoke. "I'm tired of everyone making fun of my weight and calling me 'Big Man'! My real name is 'Jones'! Stop making fun of me!" said Big Man. Then he left.
March 7, 2020
Terror struck Joeland today when Big Man slowly walked into Joeland with an toilet paper gun. He chased everyone into a corner using his weapon as a threat. When everyone was cowering before him, Big Man spoke. "I'm tired of everyone making fun of my weight and calling me 'Big Man'! My real name is 'Jones'! Stop making fun of me!" said Big Man. Then he left.
The Phantom Tennis
March 4, 2020
A news reporter stumbled upon an indescribable tennis match today at the Joeland Tennis Courts. "It was unnatural and indescribable," said Joeland News reporter #4, "I don't know what was going on. I just kept hearing stuff like, 'The dark side of the force is a pathway to many tennis moves some consider to be unnatural'."
March 4, 2020
A news reporter stumbled upon an indescribable tennis match today at the Joeland Tennis Courts. "It was unnatural and indescribable," said Joeland News reporter #4, "I don't know what was going on. I just kept hearing stuff like, 'The dark side of the force is a pathway to many tennis moves some consider to be unnatural'."
Big Man Admits Lame Pun
March 1, 2020
While citizens were protesting how lame the last news post was, Big Man sadly admitted that he had staged the whole thing. "I thought it would be really funny, so I hired an actor and ordered some ice cream, but then nobody thought it was funny," said Big Man sadly.
March 1, 2020
While citizens were protesting how lame the last news post was, Big Man sadly admitted that he had staged the whole thing. "I thought it would be really funny, so I hired an actor and ordered some ice cream, but then nobody thought it was funny," said Big Man sadly.
Napoleon Attacks Joeland
January 51, 2020
While tension was already rising between the Ferret Army and the Duck Army; a tired, beaten stranger limped into town shouting, "Napoleon is coming!" repeatedly. He would not say anything else, so we assumed that the military leader Napoleon Bonaparte had faked his death like Albert and Ferdinand and was coming to destroy us. We all ran around for a while, flailed our arms, and tripped on ferrets. Finally, the ice cream man drove by and handed us some vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate ice cream.
January 51, 2020
While tension was already rising between the Ferret Army and the Duck Army; a tired, beaten stranger limped into town shouting, "Napoleon is coming!" repeatedly. He would not say anything else, so we assumed that the military leader Napoleon Bonaparte had faked his death like Albert and Ferdinand and was coming to destroy us. We all ran around for a while, flailed our arms, and tripped on ferrets. Finally, the ice cream man drove by and handed us some vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate ice cream.
Ferret Army Fights Duck Army
January 38, 2020
Earlier today, Big Man's Ferret Army drifted into the mainland of Joeland. Thankfully, the ferrets were predicted to be in Joeland, so the Duck Army was already waiting. "It was an epic battle!" said Conjulio. "It was like those movies where two big CG armies attack each other."
"Ech!" Kaleb yelled before walking away whilst mumbling to himself. The Duck Army managed to drive away the Ferret army with minimal injuries.
"This is a call of war on Joeland... and I answer it!" yelled the Freducator in a public assembly. "We are declraring war on Big Man..."
January 38, 2020
Earlier today, Big Man's Ferret Army drifted into the mainland of Joeland. Thankfully, the ferrets were predicted to be in Joeland, so the Duck Army was already waiting. "It was an epic battle!" said Conjulio. "It was like those movies where two big CG armies attack each other."
"Ech!" Kaleb yelled before walking away whilst mumbling to himself. The Duck Army managed to drive away the Ferret army with minimal injuries.
"This is a call of war on Joeland... and I answer it!" yelled the Freducator in a public assembly. "We are declraring war on Big Man..."
Big Man Attacks Joeland with Ferret Army
January 37, 2020
Big Man was spotted today amidst a large group of ferrets. The witnesses claimed that he appeared to be trying to use them as his army, but he kept tripping on them. Scientists at Joeland Labs recorded the distance and speed that Big Man and his army traveled and found that they went at an average speed of 874 cm/hour.
January 37, 2020
Big Man was spotted today amidst a large group of ferrets. The witnesses claimed that he appeared to be trying to use them as his army, but he kept tripping on them. Scientists at Joeland Labs recorded the distance and speed that Big Man and his army traveled and found that they went at an average speed of 874 cm/hour.
Ferdinand Magellan Still in Hospital Due to Door Handle
January 30, 2020
After Ferdinand Magellan discovered cars, he was put in the hospital for the next few months. After he was finally cleared from injury, his foot got caught in the door handle on the way out. He was re-hospitalized and is expected to stay there for a few months.
January 30, 2020
After Ferdinand Magellan discovered cars, he was put in the hospital for the next few months. After he was finally cleared from injury, his foot got caught in the door handle on the way out. He was re-hospitalized and is expected to stay there for a few months.
Teague Brings Back Joeland Labs
January 17, 2020
Breaking New! Teague spent $200 dollars to bring it back in business. "$200 might not last long, but it'll sure get us another type of cheese!" said Teague. He said he was very excited to work with all the anonymous scientists to continue making innovative discoveries about the world around us. Fred had this to say, "Thank you, Teague! I am so proud of our new citizen for bringing back Joeland Labs. Now, we can continue to make important discoveries about things like cheese. As a member of the government, I can say that talks to bring Joeland Lab's budget above $200 are in the works! Isn't that amazing? I love Joeland Labs. I hope they take this re-birth as an opportunity to be more financially smart. And remember, when life gets tough, the tough get goin'. Teague is as tough as they come, and when things got hard, he saw an opportunity to bring some happiness to the world. Be more like Teague!"
January 17, 2020
Breaking New! Teague spent $200 dollars to bring it back in business. "$200 might not last long, but it'll sure get us another type of cheese!" said Teague. He said he was very excited to work with all the anonymous scientists to continue making innovative discoveries about the world around us. Fred had this to say, "Thank you, Teague! I am so proud of our new citizen for bringing back Joeland Labs. Now, we can continue to make important discoveries about things like cheese. As a member of the government, I can say that talks to bring Joeland Lab's budget above $200 are in the works! Isn't that amazing? I love Joeland Labs. I hope they take this re-birth as an opportunity to be more financially smart. And remember, when life gets tough, the tough get goin'. Teague is as tough as they come, and when things got hard, he saw an opportunity to bring some happiness to the world. Be more like Teague!"
Joeland Officials Have Meeting
January 17, 2020
Earlier today, Joeland Officials had a meeting. We decided to come in. "Get out!" yelled Kaleb angrily to our reporter. We took a picture and left the officials to have their meeting.
January 17, 2020
Earlier today, Joeland Officials had a meeting. We decided to come in. "Get out!" yelled Kaleb angrily to our reporter. We took a picture and left the officials to have their meeting.
Joeland News Assures Joeland
January 16, 2020
It has come to our attention that one of our authors can't spell after thirty seconds of writing; we apologize for this. He has been given Freducation and can now write properly. We assure you that only the highlyest Freducated people write these articles.
January 16, 2020
It has come to our attention that one of our authors can't spell after thirty seconds of writing; we apologize for this. He has been given Freducation and can now write properly. We assure you that only the highlyest Freducated people write these articles.
Joeland Grows its 8,564th Potato
January 16, 2020
In a more positive turn of events, Joeland just grew its 8,564th potato!
January 16, 2020
In a more positive turn of events, Joeland just grew its 8,564th potato!
Joeland Loses Florida
January 15, 2020
In a tragic turn of events, the Florida Men came in hordes and took back Florida. "Our Duck Army was just not enough!" yelled Kaleb. Thhiys is the ehnd of the article by th whay. Isn't it greate?
January 15, 2020
In a tragic turn of events, the Florida Men came in hordes and took back Florida. "Our Duck Army was just not enough!" yelled Kaleb. Thhiys is the ehnd of the article by th whay. Isn't it greate?
Joeland and East Timor Agree to Ban Dense Air
January 12, 2020
Recently, the governments of Joeland and East Timor agreed to ban dense air. "I am so glad we are cooperating," said Ben. The Freducator proceeded to rush in and say, "I hate dense air! Anything that is an enemy of my curl is my enemy, and Joeland's by extension! No more fridge incidents!" Rather shakily, our reporters left and didn't get any other comments. President Francisco Guterres said, "I hope the friendship between Joeland and East Timor continues to grow." He fakely smiled for the camera and shook Chuck Norris' hand while he fakely smiled at the camera.
January 12, 2020
Recently, the governments of Joeland and East Timor agreed to ban dense air. "I am so glad we are cooperating," said Ben. The Freducator proceeded to rush in and say, "I hate dense air! Anything that is an enemy of my curl is my enemy, and Joeland's by extension! No more fridge incidents!" Rather shakily, our reporters left and didn't get any other comments. President Francisco Guterres said, "I hope the friendship between Joeland and East Timor continues to grow." He fakely smiled for the camera and shook Chuck Norris' hand while he fakely smiled at the camera.
Joeland Day Celebrated A Little Late
January 12, 2020
Unfortunately, we forgot about Joeland Day. There has just been so much going on, like the Duck Army and Joeland Labs going out of business, but that doesn't mean we can't celebrate it a little late! Happy Joeland Day everyone!
January 12, 2020
Unfortunately, we forgot about Joeland Day. There has just been so much going on, like the Duck Army and Joeland Labs going out of business, but that doesn't mean we can't celebrate it a little late! Happy Joeland Day everyone!
Duck Army is Back, Baby! (Did They Ever Go Away?)
January 12, 2020
The Duck Army is back in business. Recently, the army took over Florida. "This is so great!" said Conjulio. "I'm so proud of all the ducks that made this possible. I'm going to go visit Disneyworld!"
January 12, 2020
The Duck Army is back in business. Recently, the army took over Florida. "This is so great!" said Conjulio. "I'm so proud of all the ducks that made this possible. I'm going to go visit Disneyworld!"
Seven Chairs Found On The Greenhouse
January 11, 2020
Seven Chairs were found this morning on The Greenhouse's roof. "They were just sitting there... menacingly!" said the Freducator. Chuck Norris commented, "These are of no concern to me. They should tremble in my presence." Citizens are in a panic.
January 11, 2020
Seven Chairs were found this morning on The Greenhouse's roof. "They were just sitting there... menacingly!" said the Freducator. Chuck Norris commented, "These are of no concern to me. They should tremble in my presence." Citizens are in a panic.
California Strikes United States, Floats Away
January 11, 2020
On 1/7/20 (US date), California commenced an attack on California's state border against the tanks of the USA. As a side effect, California's state boarder was destroyed and the state floated into the Pacific Ocean. The US President was very angry. When we asked Chuck Norris what he thought about it, he just ignored us.
January 11, 2020
On 1/7/20 (US date), California commenced an attack on California's state border against the tanks of the USA. As a side effect, California's state boarder was destroyed and the state floated into the Pacific Ocean. The US President was very angry. When we asked Chuck Norris what he thought about it, he just ignored us.
Kyle D. Expelled
January 10, 2020
Kyle D. was removed from his position on the Shack of Representatives because he refused to sign up for citizenship again. Kyle refused to comment about his favorite Skittle Flavor. Chuck Norris gave Savannah the roll of Legislator.
January 10, 2020
Kyle D. was removed from his position on the Shack of Representatives because he refused to sign up for citizenship again. Kyle refused to comment about his favorite Skittle Flavor. Chuck Norris gave Savannah the roll of Legislator.
Joeland Gets National Mascot
January 10, 2020
Conjulio asked if Bean could be the National Mascot of Joeland. Mr. Norris said he would and now Joeland has a mascot. Yay! Bean is a lizard and likes skittles. He is pictured to the right on Conjulio's face!
January 10, 2020
Conjulio asked if Bean could be the National Mascot of Joeland. Mr. Norris said he would and now Joeland has a mascot. Yay! Bean is a lizard and likes skittles. He is pictured to the right on Conjulio's face!
Mysterious Coke Man Saves Dog From Roof
January 10, 2020
A Joeland citizen's dog managed to climb to the top of a building. "It was really scary," commented the pet's owner. Thankfully, someone was there to rescue him: the elusive Coke Man. "I went to call someone to help when suddenly [the dog] gave me a big hug!" he said. The only trace of this heroic act was a single coke can left on the roof.
January 10, 2020
A Joeland citizen's dog managed to climb to the top of a building. "It was really scary," commented the pet's owner. Thankfully, someone was there to rescue him: the elusive Coke Man. "I went to call someone to help when suddenly [the dog] gave me a big hug!" he said. The only trace of this heroic act was a single coke can left on the roof.
Joeland Labs Goes Bankrupt!
January 10, 2020
Sadly, Joeland Labs has gone out of business. With $108 worth of debt, they just had to close the doors. "We were all sad today," said Anonymous Scientist 2. "You see, we had such a low budget, around [$29.37]. We had no choice but to go a little over to find the Scientific Method Song!" We at Joeland News are sorry to hear they went out of business. We here decided to give a little recap of the wonderful discoveries of the team at Joeland Labs. They discovered how to stop global warming by simply tying your shoes a certain way, Big Man's weight, the Scientific Method Song lyrics, Big Man makes his own gravity, chairs can move on certain days, and inexplicably dense air on the Freducator's floor. The Freducator had this to say, "This is truly the thirteenth greatest loss in Joeland history. I am so sad to see them go, but nothing is forever, not even Chuck Norris. Things change and we can't control it, but we can look on the bright side of life. Please enjoy yourselves and don't let this get you down. If we wallow in sorrow, then sorrow has won the battle."
January 10, 2020
Sadly, Joeland Labs has gone out of business. With $108 worth of debt, they just had to close the doors. "We were all sad today," said Anonymous Scientist 2. "You see, we had such a low budget, around [$29.37]. We had no choice but to go a little over to find the Scientific Method Song!" We at Joeland News are sorry to hear they went out of business. We here decided to give a little recap of the wonderful discoveries of the team at Joeland Labs. They discovered how to stop global warming by simply tying your shoes a certain way, Big Man's weight, the Scientific Method Song lyrics, Big Man makes his own gravity, chairs can move on certain days, and inexplicably dense air on the Freducator's floor. The Freducator had this to say, "This is truly the thirteenth greatest loss in Joeland history. I am so sad to see them go, but nothing is forever, not even Chuck Norris. Things change and we can't control it, but we can look on the bright side of life. Please enjoy yourselves and don't let this get you down. If we wallow in sorrow, then sorrow has won the battle."
Big Man Returns with Pitchfork and Fire
January 9, 2020
Big Man snuck back into town today carrying a pitchfork and some fire. He tried to burn down the Shack of Representatives, but the Joeland fire department put a stop to him. "I didn't know we had a fire department," commented a random citizen of Joeland.
January 9, 2020
Big Man snuck back into town today carrying a pitchfork and some fire. He tried to burn down the Shack of Representatives, but the Joeland fire department put a stop to him. "I didn't know we had a fire department," commented a random citizen of Joeland.
The Color Green Declared as the Official Color of Joeland
January 7, 2020
An anonymous citizen whose name rhymes with "Fredd Sherman" became the highest bidder of a recent Joeland auction, winning the grand prize of the liberty to assign Joeland's national color. As his twenty-five cents went to the treasury, he officially declared Joeland's national color as green.
January 7, 2020
An anonymous citizen whose name rhymes with "Fredd Sherman" became the highest bidder of a recent Joeland auction, winning the grand prize of the liberty to assign Joeland's national color. As his twenty-five cents went to the treasury, he officially declared Joeland's national color as green.
Freducator Trips, Falls on Face
January 3, 2020
Earlier this morning, the Freducator was going to his refrigerator to make a ham cheese sandwich when he slipped on the inexplicably dense air on top of the floor. He flailed his arms as he fell onto the floor and hit his face. When medics rushed in, the Freducator was complaining about how his curl had been moved slightly off centered. A nationally emergency was declared, but Joeland's hospital was able to fix his curl.
January 3, 2020
Earlier this morning, the Freducator was going to his refrigerator to make a ham cheese sandwich when he slipped on the inexplicably dense air on top of the floor. He flailed his arms as he fell onto the floor and hit his face. When medics rushed in, the Freducator was complaining about how his curl had been moved slightly off centered. A nationally emergency was declared, but Joeland's hospital was able to fix his curl.
Sid the Squid Outlaws Garbage in East Timor
December 65, 2019
Sid the Squid, part-time legislator of East Timor, created a law in East Timor that garbage will be forever banned. "Everything can be treasure instead of garbage," Sid told our interview team. He wants Timorians to use everything they have. "I hate wasting things, especially website page space," he also said.
December 65, 2019
Sid the Squid, part-time legislator of East Timor, created a law in East Timor that garbage will be forever banned. "Everything can be treasure instead of garbage," Sid told our interview team. He wants Timorians to use everything they have. "I hate wasting things, especially website page space," he also said.
Big Man Turns Evil
December 65, 2019
After the lab report had been published for the last 21 days, Big Man finally read the lab report and was very embarrassed that his weight had been disclosed to the public. Big Man went crazy with his chicken gun and then slowly jogged into forest as a getaway since he was out of breath. "You haven't seen the last of me!" said Big Man later in a private interview, "If I see anyone near me, I will shoot them with my chicken gun."
December 65, 2019
After the lab report had been published for the last 21 days, Big Man finally read the lab report and was very embarrassed that his weight had been disclosed to the public. Big Man went crazy with his chicken gun and then slowly jogged into forest as a getaway since he was out of breath. "You haven't seen the last of me!" said Big Man later in a private interview, "If I see anyone near me, I will shoot them with my chicken gun."
Joeland Labs Releases Lab Report
December 45, 2019
Today, Joeland Labs released its first and only lab report. It was on the BIg Man. "It was a gripping read," said the Freducator. "It sure was," responded Ben. More reviews to come.
December 45, 2019
Today, Joeland Labs released its first and only lab report. It was on the BIg Man. "It was a gripping read," said the Freducator. "It sure was," responded Ben. More reviews to come.
Ferdinand Magellan Discovers Cars
December 36, 2019
Ferdinand Magellan was found alive and well in an ice-burg off the coast of the Philippines. He was promptly thawed. Ferdinand was very surprised and confused on why he was alive. Fortunately, this confusion became the least of his worries as he was hit by a car three days later. Also fortunate was the fact that he got to see Joeland for two and half days before being sent to Freeman Hospital to heal his car-inflicted wounds.
December 36, 2019
Ferdinand Magellan was found alive and well in an ice-burg off the coast of the Philippines. He was promptly thawed. Ferdinand was very surprised and confused on why he was alive. Fortunately, this confusion became the least of his worries as he was hit by a car three days later. Also fortunate was the fact that he got to see Joeland for two and half days before being sent to Freeman Hospital to heal his car-inflicted wounds.
74 > 5443?
|
Scientists Baffled by Recent Study
December 32, 2019 Several days after Big Man's weight was disclosed to the public, someone questioned the scale's accuracy. Scientists from Joeland Labs decided to complete a study on Big Man's weight. What they found out was baffling. Even though Big Man weighs fewer dekagrams than everyone else in Joeland, all their scientist calculators showed that Big Man was still heavier than everyone else in Joeland. Nobody has figured out how this is possible. |
Big Man's Weight Disclosed
December 28, 2019
An anonymous person somehow convinced Big Man to step on a scale to see his weight. The scale surprisingly read, "74."(Remember, don't say this out loud!) Everyone was confused how the Big Man could be so light until they realized that the scale was measuring in dekagrams. "I was so confuzzled," said a passing pedestrian, "But now it makes perfect sense." Find Big Man's weight on this dekagram calculator!
December 28, 2019
An anonymous person somehow convinced Big Man to step on a scale to see his weight. The scale surprisingly read, "74."(Remember, don't say this out loud!) Everyone was confused how the Big Man could be so light until they realized that the scale was measuring in dekagrams. "I was so confuzzled," said a passing pedestrian, "But now it makes perfect sense." Find Big Man's weight on this dekagram calculator!
Big Man Trips on Rock and Sues Joeland
December 13, 2019
Big Man was walking through Joeland yesterday, and he accidentally tripped on a rock. When he got up, he "ran" to the green house to tell government officials that he was suing them for 42,000 bananas. On his way out, our news team asked him why he was suing the government. "I got hungry from 'running' all the way here," he replied.
December 13, 2019
Big Man was walking through Joeland yesterday, and he accidentally tripped on a rock. When he got up, he "ran" to the green house to tell government officials that he was suing them for 42,000 bananas. On his way out, our news team asked him why he was suing the government. "I got hungry from 'running' all the way here," he replied.
Conjulio and Kaleb Take Back the Letter "c"
December 10, 2019
Conjulio and Kaleb finally made it to Florida and stole back the letter "c," so we can once again use it in our country! "I hope they get back that letter," said Big Man before the raid.
December 10, 2019
Conjulio and Kaleb finally made it to Florida and stole back the letter "c," so we can once again use it in our country! "I hope they get back that letter," said Big Man before the raid.
Konjulio and Kaleb Take Duk Army to Florida
November 134, 2019
Konjulio and Kaleb were tired of not being able to use the letter between B and D, so they took the Duk Army to Florida to take it bak from the Florida Man. "I have komplete faith in the Duk Army to get it back. If they kan assist in taking down Einstein, they can do anything!" Konjulio said when asked to make a komment.
November 134, 2019
Konjulio and Kaleb were tired of not being able to use the letter between B and D, so they took the Duk Army to Florida to take it bak from the Florida Man. "I have komplete faith in the Duk Army to get it back. If they kan assist in taking down Einstein, they can do anything!" Konjulio said when asked to make a komment.
Tkhair Fights Big Man
November 133, 2019
A tkhair was made fighting a man whose weight he doesn't wish to be made publik. "I just wanted to sit down after going up my stairs. I was winded. I sat down, only to find myself on the floor, slightly more winded. The chair had moved backwards!" Sientists from Joeland Labs are studying this seemingly supernatural okkurense.
November 133, 2019
A tkhair was made fighting a man whose weight he doesn't wish to be made publik. "I just wanted to sit down after going up my stairs. I was winded. I sat down, only to find myself on the floor, slightly more winded. The chair had moved backwards!" Sientists from Joeland Labs are studying this seemingly supernatural okkurense.
Aliens Attack Albert Einstein
November 125, 2019
Konjulio somehow learned the language of the floating chair aliens. He convinced them to attack Albert Einstein, and he was forced to go into hiding.
November 125, 2019
Konjulio somehow learned the language of the floating chair aliens. He convinced them to attack Albert Einstein, and he was forced to go into hiding.
Aliens found in Greenland
November 121, 2019
As General Janitor Konjulio went to Greenland, they found a lot a snow. Surprisingly, they also found what was deskribed as giant floating tkhairs with googly eyes. "Out of all the aliens I've seen, these were the skookumest," said Kojulio.
November 121, 2019
As General Janitor Konjulio went to Greenland, they found a lot a snow. Surprisingly, they also found what was deskribed as giant floating tkhairs with googly eyes. "Out of all the aliens I've seen, these were the skookumest," said Kojulio.
Duk Army Invades Greenland's Area 51
November 118, 2019
General Janitor Konjulio desided to take a detour and invade Greenland. They heard rumors that duk aliens were hidden away in area 51 of Greenland. They have all been hiding out around the border of the land, ready to invade. "I hope we find some super power duks," said Konjulio.
November 118, 2019
General Janitor Konjulio desided to take a detour and invade Greenland. They heard rumors that duk aliens were hidden away in area 51 of Greenland. They have all been hiding out around the border of the land, ready to invade. "I hope we find some super power duks," said Konjulio.
Duk Army Invades Europe and Konquers New Land
November 115, 2019
General Janitor Konjulio led his duk army into battle today. They did a sneak attak into a small island off the koast of northern Europe. The island was very kold and uninhabited, so Konjulio klaimed the land for Joeland and desided to lay low there for a little while.
November 115, 2019
General Janitor Konjulio led his duk army into battle today. They did a sneak attak into a small island off the koast of northern Europe. The island was very kold and uninhabited, so Konjulio klaimed the land for Joeland and desided to lay low there for a little while.
Sid the Squid Votes on Tree Law
November 112, 2019
Sid the Squid resently bekame a part time legislator in East Timor. While he was in a legislature session in East Timor, they desided that trees kan no longer be painted purple. Many Timorians kommented that this is great law. "I'm so happy we finally passed this law," said a Timorian who had been protesting for this law for the last six years.
November 112, 2019
Sid the Squid resently bekame a part time legislator in East Timor. While he was in a legislature session in East Timor, they desided that trees kan no longer be painted purple. Many Timorians kommented that this is great law. "I'm so happy we finally passed this law," said a Timorian who had been protesting for this law for the last six years.
Albert Einstein suspekted of attak on Joeland. Sitizens in Uproar.
November 110, 2019
On November 109, sixteen duks were disokovered on the roof of the Greenhouse.
"Do not fear, sitizens," Tkhuk Norris said to our reporter. Norris took prekautions and fortified the Greenhouse with the help of General Janitor Konjulio. Konjulio has been spotted training a duk army.
November 110, 2019
On November 109, sixteen duks were disokovered on the roof of the Greenhouse.
"Do not fear, sitizens," Tkhuk Norris said to our reporter. Norris took prekautions and fortified the Greenhouse with the help of General Janitor Konjulio. Konjulio has been spotted training a duk army.
Mr. President Stonewall the Great is Fired and Replased by Tkhuk Norris
November 18, 2019
Sinse Mr. President Stonewall the Great moved to Australia, he kould not fulfill his duties (ha ha, duties) as president, so he was fired. Tkhuk Norris sukseeded him, and Benjamin filled in as the vise prez as well as staying treasurer.
November 18, 2019
Sinse Mr. President Stonewall the Great moved to Australia, he kould not fulfill his duties (ha ha, duties) as president, so he was fired. Tkhuk Norris sukseeded him, and Benjamin filled in as the vise prez as well as staying treasurer.
Small Tkhiken Aksidentally Robs Donald Trump
Flumpersnatkhel 11, 2019
Over in the US, there was a tkiken that just walked into Donald Trump's offise and stole all of his money. Sense he was a tkhiken, nobody suspekted him, so he just walked out. Our interview team kaptured him, the tkhiken said, "Bok bok bok," when he was asked what he was doing.
Flumpersnatkhel 11, 2019
Over in the US, there was a tkiken that just walked into Donald Trump's offise and stole all of his money. Sense he was a tkhiken, nobody suspekted him, so he just walked out. Our interview team kaptured him, the tkhiken said, "Bok bok bok," when he was asked what he was doing.
YAY
|
This Post Bekomes the First Post in History on this Website to be Posted on the Korrekt Date
Awegist 12, 2019 We finally posted a post on the korrekt date here at Joeland News! "This is the greatest day of my life!" said Bryse, the Judge of Joeland. |
Evil Russian Eats Tkheese Sandwitkh
Awegist 11, 2019
A Russian was seen sneaking around somewhere, so our interview team followed him. "We thought we would diskuver their sekret plans about nuking the world, but he just sat down and ate a tkheese sandwitkh," said a reporter.
Awegist 11, 2019
A Russian was seen sneaking around somewhere, so our interview team followed him. "We thought we would diskuver their sekret plans about nuking the world, but he just sat down and ate a tkheese sandwitkh," said a reporter.
Albert Einstein Expands His Territory
Awegist 2, 2019
Tension has been on the rise sinse Albert Einstein took over Italy. "He has now brainwashed everyone in the kountry, and he has also taken over the rest of Europe. Now everyone there will deny that he is even alive," said a luky eskaped Italian plumber in an interview.
Awegist 2, 2019
Tension has been on the rise sinse Albert Einstein took over Italy. "He has now brainwashed everyone in the kountry, and he has also taken over the rest of Europe. Now everyone there will deny that he is even alive," said a luky eskaped Italian plumber in an interview.
Joeland Deklares That it is Its Own Kontinent
Julii 14, 2019
Benjamin the Great, the treasurer of Joeland, resently said that Joeland is aktually its own kontinent. "If New Zealand klaims they're a kontinent, then we kan," said Benjamin.
Julii 14, 2019
Benjamin the Great, the treasurer of Joeland, resently said that Joeland is aktually its own kontinent. "If New Zealand klaims they're a kontinent, then we kan," said Benjamin.
Florida Man Steals the Letter Between "B" and "D"
Julii 12, 2019
A Florida Man snuk into Joeland News and stole the letter between "b" and "d." He wasn't kaught, and the sitizens are outraged. From now on, everyone on the news team has to use the letters "k, s, or tkh" instead of the letter between "b" and "d."
Julii 12, 2019
A Florida Man snuk into Joeland News and stole the letter between "b" and "d." He wasn't kaught, and the sitizens are outraged. From now on, everyone on the news team has to use the letters "k, s, or tkh" instead of the letter between "b" and "d."
Albert Einstein Declares Himself the Dictator of Italy
August 3, 2019
Although everyone thought he was dead, it was discovered that Albert Einstein faked his death. He is currently taking over the country of Italy. "Be aware, he is almost as smart as me," says Benjamin Watts, the Treasurer of Joeland.
August 3, 2019
Although everyone thought he was dead, it was discovered that Albert Einstein faked his death. He is currently taking over the country of Italy. "Be aware, he is almost as smart as me," says Benjamin Watts, the Treasurer of Joeland.
What did the cube root say to the pi? You're irrational.
|
Really Lame Math Pun Found
April 13, 2019 Benjamin Watts, The Treasurer of Joeland, has recently found a really lame math pun. "This is the worst pun ever," said Benjamin in an exclusive interview. |
The Freducator Looses His Lunchbox and a National Emergency has been Declared
January 54, 2019
The Freducator was at the recent execution eating his ham-cheese sandwich. His lunchbox suddenly disappeared into thin air. Spectators could not describe what happened. "I love ham-cheese sandwiches" said the Freducator.
January 54, 2019
The Freducator was at the recent execution eating his ham-cheese sandwich. His lunchbox suddenly disappeared into thin air. Spectators could not describe what happened. "I love ham-cheese sandwiches" said the Freducator.
Americans Executed for Calling our Country "Illiterate"
January 54, 2019
The president has come to a conclusion. the people who have called Joeland "illiterate" will be executed by the recently found monkey-lizard in the pit of death and pain. The monkey lizard was sold to the Joeland government for 2,500,000 bananas. The Freducator as well as the president have decided that this act of execution is a very good one.
January 54, 2019
The president has come to a conclusion. the people who have called Joeland "illiterate" will be executed by the recently found monkey-lizard in the pit of death and pain. The monkey lizard was sold to the Joeland government for 2,500,000 bananas. The Freducator as well as the president have decided that this act of execution is a very good one.
Monkey-Lizard Found
January 53, 2019
We recently got a call from a Joeland citizen who found the Monkey-Lizard. He claims that he lured the creature into captivity using pizza and a milkshake. "That monkey-lizard looked so hungry" he said to our reporters. Researchers are surprised that he was not eaten by the beast.
January 53, 2019
We recently got a call from a Joeland citizen who found the Monkey-Lizard. He claims that he lured the creature into captivity using pizza and a milkshake. "That monkey-lizard looked so hungry" he said to our reporters. Researchers are surprised that he was not eaten by the beast.
Americans call our country "Illiterate"
January 52nd 2019
On January 52, 2019, an American visitor called our country "Illiterate" "This is a major offense to Joeland," says the Freducator. Citizens are super angry about it.
January 52nd 2019
On January 52, 2019, an American visitor called our country "Illiterate" "This is a major offense to Joeland," says the Freducator. Citizens are super angry about it.
Monkey-Lizard Escapes Captivity
January 50th 2019
We have just received news that a rare species of Monkey-Lizard has escaped captivity. Bizzle McDrizzle, the manager says this: "The Monkey-Lizard is extremely dangerous. If you see it, run."
The cool science lab has been studying the Monkey-Lizard for a very long time. If you see this creature, call 911 and run and hope that it doesn't eat you.
January 50th 2019
We have just received news that a rare species of Monkey-Lizard has escaped captivity. Bizzle McDrizzle, the manager says this: "The Monkey-Lizard is extremely dangerous. If you see it, run."
The cool science lab has been studying the Monkey-Lizard for a very long time. If you see this creature, call 911 and run and hope that it doesn't eat you.
Person Arrested for Saying "Seventy-Four" Out Loud
January 42nd 2019
A visitor of the Republic of Joeland has said the word "seventy-four" out loud. This violates nonamendment 5 in the constitution.
January 42nd 2019
A visitor of the Republic of Joeland has said the word "seventy-four" out loud. This violates nonamendment 5 in the constitution.
Africa Creates New Useful Law
January 36th 2019
Africa recently created a very useful law saying that it is illegal to punch refrigerators. The new law will go into place tomorrow, and it will benefit Africa greatly. "This new law is so useful," says Abdoulkader Kamil Mohamed, the prime minister of Djibouti.
January 36th 2019
Africa recently created a very useful law saying that it is illegal to punch refrigerators. The new law will go into place tomorrow, and it will benefit Africa greatly. "This new law is so useful," says Abdoulkader Kamil Mohamed, the prime minister of Djibouti.
California has Declared War on the United States
January 24th 2019
Our ally, the U.S.A., was recently sent a salty letter from California that they want to go to war with them. They said that they were going to send tanks & stuff to kill the president of the U.S.A. President Stonewall was asked about the predicament, but he ignored us.
January 24th 2019
Our ally, the U.S.A., was recently sent a salty letter from California that they want to go to war with them. They said that they were going to send tanks & stuff to kill the president of the U.S.A. President Stonewall was asked about the predicament, but he ignored us.
14 Toilets Found in Forests of Joeland
January 24th 2019
Fourteen toilets were randomly found in the middle of the forest of Joeland recently. Nobody has found any explanation, and the world's greatest scientists are baffled. "We have no idea where they came from," says Ben the Great, Joeland's treasurer.
January 24th 2019
Fourteen toilets were randomly found in the middle of the forest of Joeland recently. Nobody has found any explanation, and the world's greatest scientists are baffled. "We have no idea where they came from," says Ben the Great, Joeland's treasurer.
Potatoes Made Legal by Newly Elected Vice President Chuck Norris
January 21st 2019
Potatoes are now legal.
January 21st 2019
Potatoes are now legal.
Chuck Norris Elected Vice President of Joeland by Mr. President Stonewall the Great
January 20th 2019
News from the Capital Mountain in the Green House this morning... Chuck Norris has been appointed Vice President by President Stonewall the Great. The citizens of Joeland are buzzing with excitement as the Vice President takes the oath.
January 20th 2019
News from the Capital Mountain in the Green House this morning... Chuck Norris has been appointed Vice President by President Stonewall the Great. The citizens of Joeland are buzzing with excitement as the Vice President takes the oath.
Pictures courtesy of a bunch of different websites. No copyright laws were broken to get them, we think.
Photo used under Creative Commons from Marco Verch