Weight and Gravity:
A Study by Joeland Labs
On November 112, a chair fought Big Man. You see, he went to sit down and the chair moved away from him. This was big news here and was reported the next day. The case left us very confused and in need of answers, so we started an investigation.
Part 1: The Chair
The chair had done something that seemed impossible, moving on its own accord. This was our first point of study; the chair was promptly escorted to us. We ran some very scientific tests on the chair. We were going to have three different people replicate the situation. If we say so ourselves (which we do), we went above and beyond. We replicated Big Man’s entire house! We’d use Big Man, Sid the Squid, and Ferdinand Magellan. One at a time, they would do exactly what Big Man did and see if the chair would move. Our results are in the table below.
A Study by Joeland Labs
On November 112, a chair fought Big Man. You see, he went to sit down and the chair moved away from him. This was big news here and was reported the next day. The case left us very confused and in need of answers, so we started an investigation.
Part 1: The Chair
The chair had done something that seemed impossible, moving on its own accord. This was our first point of study; the chair was promptly escorted to us. We ran some very scientific tests on the chair. We were going to have three different people replicate the situation. If we say so ourselves (which we do), we went above and beyond. We replicated Big Man’s entire house! We’d use Big Man, Sid the Squid, and Ferdinand Magellan. One at a time, they would do exactly what Big Man did and see if the chair would move. Our results are in the table below.
Person |
Distance Chair Moved (Meters) |
Favorite Color of Pencil |
Guessed Amount of Beef on Big Mac (lb.) |
Height (Siriometers) |
Big Man |
0 |
Yellow |
42 |
1.01873e-17 |
Sid the Squid |
0 |
Red |
0.5 |
2.03746e-17 |
Ferdinand Magellan |
0 |
Pink |
"What is a Big Mac?" |
1.1002e-17 |
Part 1B: Analyzation, Statistical Analytics, and Data Analysis
After doing the test, the most brilliantest scientists of Joeland Labs (myself included) analyzed the data using analyzation, statistical analytics, and data analysis. With hours of intense analyzation, we found that all of the testees had a height within 1,000,000,000 yottameters of each other, the chair always moved 0 meters, and they all had a favorite color of pencil. However, their guesses for how much beef was on a Big Mac were all far apart. “This shows us exactly what we wanted to find!” said Anonymous Scientist 2. We were so excited about finding out the testees’ guesses about Big Macs that we accidentally mailed it to Australia.
Part 2: Finding the Lab Report
Anonymous Scientists 1, 2, and 3 had to consequently fly to Australia to find our lab report. They painstakingly slaved over finding it for ten minutes until they gave up. They decided to use the scientific method to solve our problem, but they sang the chorus of the scientific method song first.
The scientific method is a way to solve a problem
A way, a way
A way to solve a problem
A way, a way
A way to solve a problem
Feeling uplifted, the scientists decided to begin their inquiry. They even wrote a detailed list of the steps below.
- Sing: The chorus of the scientific method song.
- Question: Where in Australia is our lab report?
- Research: Australia is bigger than Rhode Island and East Timor. The people there have cool accents. Australia is one of the nine continents of the world.
- Hypothesis: The lab report will be by one of their public mailsystems.
- Experiment: Anonymous Scientist 1 asked the lady at the counter of an Australian post office called the Outpost about the predicament. He droned on for a grand total of 20 minutes discussing it. He went on to unload all of his personal problems on the poor outpost lady and told her all about the entire history of Doctor Who while he was at it. After infuriating everyone in the Outpost (Anonymous Scientists 2 and 3 included), the lady threw the report at them and yelled at them to get out and never come outback.
- and 7. Observations/Conclusion: Didn't do. There was no point. Why would we analyze that we found our lost report?
Part 2B: Learning the Scientific Method Song Lyrics
Before coming back to Joeland, the anonymous scientists realized the scientific method had a problem: the full lyrics of the Scientific Method Song had been lost. Our scientists realized it was very important to find all the lyrics. As such, they graciously took ₼200 out of Joeland Lab’s ₼50 budget, and the game was afoot. The anonymous scientists went from Sydney (their original position) to Gosford because Kibble Park sounded like a lot of fun to them. After the detour, the scientists bravely searched for the song. They talked to a hobo in Kibble Park who was very helpful. The interview conducted on him has been attached below
“Hobo living in Kibble Park, do you know what the scientific method song is?”
“Yeth. I know what that ith. Ithn’t it that song teachers sing to help students…”
“Yes, it is indeed kind hobo. Do you know anyone who has the lyrics memorized?”
“Yeth. He liveth in Telfer with hith brother in a tree. If I do thay tho mythelf, and I do, he hath a high thtandard of living. It wath a pleathure doing buththineth with you. My name ith John by the way. If you ever need help finding anything elthe, hop on by!”
“Thank you…”
“That’ll be four potatoeth.”
The interview was ended here. After extracting 20 more dollars from the Joeland Labs budget, they gave him his potatoes. Anonymous Scientist 1 was upset that he’d have to travel all the way to the opposite end of Australia until he realized that he could use a carrier pigeon to do it for him. He traveled to the other end of Kibble Park, instead, and he talked to a person selling carrier pigeons. Anonymous Scientist 1 bought it and sent the pigeon to the other hobo with a potatoe. He received the reply three days later from Lyrical Learnings. The Anonymous Scientist lifted their heads in song.
Oh, what do you think a scientist does
To solve a problem found because
Many scientists are scientists
‘Cause they’re great problem solvers
There is a systematic way
They go about ‘most every day
It’s methodical and it’s logical
The scientific method
Chorus: A way to solve a problem, a way, a way
The scientific method is a way to solve a problem
A way, a way, a way to solve a problem
A way, a way, a way to solve a problem
It may not seem important to you
But the first thing that they always do
Is state the problem or ask a question
So they know just what they’re after
Then they review everything involved
That might help get the problem solved
By reading, researching
And gathering information
Chorus
After both of these steps they take
They go ahead and then they make
An educated guess—a hypothesis--
A possible solution
Then they use scientific tools
To measure and test some variables
In experiments which are really meant
To give more information
Chorus
This information they call data
They put together so that later
They can analyze and synthesize
To see just what it all means
Only when they have done all these
Experiments testing hypotheses
Which may prove, or else disprove
Then they’ll state their conclusion
Chorus
This is the systematic way
A scientist may use any old day
‘Cause it’s methodical and it’s logical
The scientific method
(The Song has been printed above for purely educational purposes. All rights go to Lyrical Learnings)
Part 2C: Escape from Australia
The Anonymous Scientists named the carrier pigeon Lyric Helper Timor. They took him with them out to the airport. The Anonymous Scientists have decided to review the airplane that they were on.
“We’re on [censored for legal reasons]. It is truly a wonderful plane service. They gave me peanuts and, I mean, what more could you ask for? I would give the flight a 10/10, but the small dude next to me was snoring very loudly. I give [removed for legal reasons] a 2.718/10.”
Part 3: Deriving the Quadratics of Triangular Chair Theorems
After the scientific lyrics were found, the scientists returned and we continued our research. What we found was stunning. We derived that if proportional equations contain scientific theorems, trigonometric ratios must acquire compulsory exponential growth; it is also essential to consider that the increasing quadratics of the mathematical terms must possess architectural insignificance; mathematicians may conclude that linear propositions discern assumptions beforehand. Concerning these axioms, the postulates thereof create economic reformations in stock market trends. The scientific studies of economy is included by the Law of Conservation of mass. Therefore, triangular chairs, like Big Man’s chair, can mysteriously move at 3:24 PM on certain fake holidays. (Disclaimer: may or may not apply to chair aliens)
Part 4: The Science of Big Man
Having solved the mystery of the chair, we moved our sights onto the Big Man. There was something very mysterious about him. Before starting our investigation we weighed him to be only 74 dekagrams. That may seem like a lot, but in reality, it is roughly a pound and a half. How does this even work? We needed answers, so we made a full-sized balance and got out the scale. We’d put each test subject on the side of the balance opposite of the Big Man one at a time. The results are on the table below.
Testee |
Which Side of the Balance was Lower |
Favorite Cheese |
Weight (Dekagrams) |
Sid the Squid |
Big Man's |
Cheddar |
100,000 |
Big Man |
Big Man's |
6 lb. block |
74 |
Anonymous Scientist 3 |
Big Man's |
Shredded |
8,981 |
These results baffled us. The Big Man’s side was always lower, but he weighed over eight-thousand dekagrams less than the other testees. This baffled us until we really looked at the data. Suddenly, everything made sense. It was all in gravity and weight. Now, we realized that Big Man had a different mass on Mars than Earth. Even though he was on Earth the whole time, a strange phenomenon caused by a specific race of chair aliens were discovered to have altered gravity proportions on a few specific places on Earth to match those on Mars. Big Man happened to be standing in one of those locations every time he was weighed. Since Big Man also creates his own force of gravity, the magnetic waves around him permanently changed last week so that all scales he steps on will show an incorrect weight from now on. In conclusion, science is confusing.
Work Cited:
Lyrical Learning. “The Scientific Method.” The Scientific Method: Song Lyrics and Sound Clip, 2003,www.songsforteaching.com/lyricallifesciencelearning/scientificmethod.htm.